Failing and learning

Should you make failure an option and can it be a good thing? I say yes and yes and here’s why.

Last weekend I set out to run 108 miles of the Pennine way; a self-supported orienteering foot race, South to North from Edale to Hardraw starting at 8am on the Saturday morning and ending whenever your legs get you over the finish.

Long story short, I didn’t finish and gave up after 26 hours of running/walking/lurching; After zero hours sleep, a horrific night of darkness, a 3am lightning storm, puddle drenched and agonising foot pain, I slowed to a crawl and eventually to a stop, throwing in the towel. The Spine Challenger kicked my ass – an event I signed up for barely 3 weeks ago with a casual, blasé approach that belied the challenge ahead.

By 10am on Sunday morning at just shy of 75 miles I was laid out on a grass verge in pleasant sunshine and I am not going to lie, it felt really quite lovely on the feet and the body. However, I had just said goodbye to new friends I was letting go and as a result of my quitting, I could barely look them in the eye when they moved on with their journey and I had no words in the moment, feeling guilt and shame for my weakness. I felt worthless and defeated and struggled to hold back my emotions so I removed myself from their company abruptly, which I am sure came across as curt and unkind.

Last weekend was the first time I have quit an event or challenge EVER and initially, it felt like a hammer-blow. I didn't finish the job and I let myself down.

So why, pray tell, is this an achievement? Well, this starts with a confession and ends with reflection.

I have always had an underlying competitive nature that I have often seen as my superpower – failure is not an option and I will do anything to get things done. Historically, I have fuelled my imposter syndrome and need for external validation through whatever means necessary – work status, endurance challenges and anything that can demonstrate that I am worth something all the time shouting to anyone that will listen;

“Look, I did an Ironman!”; “Oh by the way, I once rowed a boat from Tower Bridge to the Eiffel Tower!”; “I just ran a long way in a really hot place!”; "now I am somewhere cold and I am still amazing!"; "look how amazing I am!"

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am really proud of my achievements and they have brought me genuine pleasure with a profound impact on my life. But here’s the thing and I’ll stick with the fuel analogy; using the wrong fuel is never going to keep the engine running and eventually things are going to break down. Fear, anxiety and self-doubt do not make for a well-rounded human and frail egos are made to be broken. I have previously pushed myself to a point of breaking and made things happen at all costs and do those feelings of self-doubt disappear? That’s a resounding no and it’s clear to me now that I have often used achievements and experiences as shiny things to prove I am enough.

Well, this was a different story and here’s the twist – after a couple of days to reflect, I think this is my proudest moment and possibly my time to graduate to the status of a fully functioning adult; I got exactly what I wanted and needed - a unique experience with good people, movement, nature and time to recharge and refocus on what I want from my life. As with all of the endurance events I have tried, my body is a little battered but my mind is stronger for it and I feel a little wiser, more balanced and centred in who I am.

Work in progress? Always. Isn’t that really what it’s all about?

With this journey there is so much to learn and through disappointment and with not getting my own way, it feels richer and deeper in some way. I am proud, ultimately, because I am upgrading my fuel source. My goal is growth, peace and contentment and to that end, my fuel is curiosity, intention and gratitude; having these opportunities in life is an absolute privilege so the ego can take a back seat and I can be safe in the knowledge that I am a stronger, better human than I was yesterday.

So here’s to failure. Sweet failure that gives me the opportunity to reflect on who and who I want to be.

In 4 short weeks I am making the journey to Kyrgyzstan for another adventure and I’ll be there a little better and more grounded following my weekend exploits.

As Alfred once said to Bruce Wayne: Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.