My first (official) blog: Mental health and finding peace

Like a lucid dream the experience caught me but with every waking moment, I find myself fighting to keep the memories fresh and hold the sense of presence and peace that I was gifted; “Little by little I fade away every day….. “

In the three short weeks I have been home from an experience of a lifetime in the Arctic Circle I have been given a hard dose of reality; back to the grindstone as they say, rolling my sleeves up and feeling the daily grind - the routine of city life with all of the noise and clutter seeping back into consciousness. I sit here this morning, feeling mixed emotions and a darker shade of grey than perhaps I was on my return; rejuvenated and energised with a sense of clarity I rarely find in life. Right now, I am determined to capture the essence of what I experienced but also be honest with myself that a week of reflection does not bring a life of fulfilment or contentment and that the path isn’t always clear.

So, here’s a dose of reality before I try to steer myself into a place of optimism and peaceful reflection.

Sometimes I wake up and feel like there is a gentle push on my chest and the world is telling me that this isn’t the day to get out there; heavy legs and slow mind aching to fade into the background. I look at my phone and see my work emails flooding in, a calendar full of meetings and a self-imposed expectation to be someone people can rely on and look up to; a dad, a manager and a role model. I feel like I am seeing the day in Sepia or observing from a distant place and I wonder whether I can muster the strength to get out there or put on a mask of confidence and positivity. Thoughts of self doubt, a chattering inner critic and the gnawing feeling that I should be grateful build a deep sense of shame for the dark feelings that crowd my thoughts.

In all honesty, some days I do not want to get out of bed and do not want to interact with the world around me. I will sit in that, “suck it up” and drag myself through the day with a steeliness that comes with practice but without a real sense of long-term consequence.

A quick pause - Why exactly am I writing this? To be clear, my intention is not to elicit a sense of sympathy; far from it actually. I am a privileged, white man who has been given all of the opportunities that life can bring – a successful career, two amazing children, good health, close friends and family. I have everything in life one could ask for and more and I fully acknowledge that.

Which is why I want to spell it out – in my limited experience there is no such thing as a perfect life and mental health is an unspoken challenge that we all face.

In my industry, a recent survey found that 1 in 5 of video games industry professionals experience both anxiety and depression.

More broadly, Mind have reported that 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem of some kind each year in England and 1 in 6 people report experiencing a common mental health problem (like anxiety and depression) in any given week in England.

Pertinently for me, middle-aged men are more likely to die by suicide than any other age group.

Personally, I am the type of person that will always minimise my own emotions, will push on regardless and will rarely talk about my feelings or struggles. A stereotypical male, I don’t reach out to friends or family often or talk about my emotions readily – opting for small talk or safe conversation that avoid vulnerability or genuine connection.

To date, I have been fortunate enough to ride this wave but I know deep down that this is risky business and that the dangers of not managing mental health are all too real. So, my motive for writing this is to put it out there that if I have struggles, coming from a place of privilege and opportunity then it can affect anyone and we need to wake up to the fact that this is a modern-day epidemic that needs to be talked about.

Mental health is something that affects everyone and I think it’s important to be open and honest about that, without shame or fear of consequence.

So, there is the large dose of reality to these words and I think it important to strip back any pretence or social media façade. However, I also feel the need to sprinkle a little positivity and despite my own personal demons, my good fortune in life has built a sense of gratitude and optimism that is always with me and helps me to push through the dark and find the light more often than not.

Finding peace. Something I have been searching for forever and unequivocally, the experience of running in nature has been the tonic I have craved. To find the light, sometimes you need to feel the dark and to survive the brutality of the Arctic it takes some digging and you quickly find the edges; the bits of you that you just don’t want to acknowledge and will always find a reason to brush aside. In stripping back the layers I find I can build on stronger foundations.

In daily life, that inner critic is always there and the chatter is incessant; a constant voice stemming confidence and questioning every move. The beauty of running is to clear my mind of all that clutter; like an episode of the late noughties TV show “Hoarders” - a self-proclaimed transition of houses from "hoarding hell to clutter free heaven" - my brain gets to work with proverbial cardboard boxes and cleaning products and in a miraculous space of days my mind is a spacious, clean space that is unrecognisable to that mass of tangled thoughts and confusion I left behind. It brings space, clarity and most of all, the purest sense of peace that lifts me to a place that I never want to leave.

I know that my life will never be a constant state of blissful happiness but I will always find the edges and reach for the light, embracing every moment of peace I can, willing myself to feel gratitude for every second “and to not depart from here until I have left my mark on the sands of time”.

P.s. in the unlikely chance that someone actually reads this, the keen-eyed among you will note this is actually my third post; technically true and these tentative steps on social media gave me the confidence to setup a blog site and give this a whirl so I took the opportunity to capture those thoughts so that they aren't lost in the Facebook rabbit hole. A big thank you to those who gave me encouragement and the confidence to out myself out there, despite my trepidation.

#mentalhealthawarness #mentalheath #mentalhealthsupport #adventure #pandemic #sandsoftime